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My World – With A Free Essay Review
UC PROMPT #1 Describe the world you come from � for example, your family, community or school � and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Imagination has no boundaries and as I close my eyes, I see myself, my environment and what I picture is a perfect world that I created and I try to enjoy this temporary illusion before I come to face my true reality. The world I come from resembles more negative examples then good ones. By this I mean my community is split between those who do not care and those who strive for a better life.
I live in a world full of obstacles, especially in my community. My community is filled with so many bad influences that distract young people like me. Every day I see more young people joining gangs, smoking, and dropping out and when I see this I�m left speechless. I am surrounded with so much bad influence that it makes me mad but I need to pull myself together to strive and keep doing well in school. No bad influence will help me pay my bills, no bad influence will help my parents out when they are old; no bad influence will take care of my children. I will not let this hold me back because I know what I want and I know I will get it with dedication and patience.
I�m the type of person that never gives up and has patience. I believe that the type of environment a person lives in changes the person.
I know I changed because now all I want to do is become successful. My community has motivated me to do better and to make the right choices. The path I want to take is the road to success and success only. My thirst for success is the one that will take me far and soon I will be able to be the person I want to become.
When I see myself in the mirror I see a person that is young, friendly, and intelligent I don�t see anything holding him back. He looks calm and ready to go out to face all the challenges he has to encounter but he knows what he is doing he has known it since the beginning he wants to be successful. I could see it in his eyes he has that spark and the type of confidence that will make him go far.
My world shaped me into who I am now and what I might become. My environment is the one that made me stronger and wiser to overcome any obstacle in my way. My determination and patience is the one that will lead me to success but it was my imaginations that build my dreams and makes them free.
Your essay provides much too vague a description of your community and of how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations. In your first paragraph, you say your world “resembles more negative examples than [note spelling correction] good ones.” Your meaning here is very unclear. “Resembles” is probably the wrong word, but the bigger problem is that you don’t specify what the examples are examples of. All your reader will get from that sentence is that there is something vaguely wrong with your world.
In the next sentence (“By this I mean. “) you claim to explain your meaning, but the content of that sentence seems completely unrelated to that of the sentence it would explain, and, moreover, is in need of explanation itself: what do some in the community not care about? You? School? Life? Everything?
In the next sentence, the first of the second paragraph, the vagueness continues. You claim to live in a world full of obstacles, but don’t identify any of these obstacles. You claim in the next sentence that there are many bad influences, but don’t identify them specifically either. Finally, in the next sentence, you do provide a couple of details: “Every day I see more young people joining gangs, smoking, and dropping out and when I see this I’m left speechless.” There’s still some vagueness here (are the youths smoking crack or cigarettes? are they dropping out of school or society?) and you resort to a stock phrase (“I’m left speechless”) to describe the impact on you. Even so, that’s the one sentence in your essay that really starts to answer the prompt.
In your third and fourth paragraph, you focus on you, not your community. If you were answering the part of the prompt that asks you to tell how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations, then changing the focus to you would be reasonable, but you don’t really do that, except to say, again very vaguely: “My community has motivated me to do better and to make the right choices.” How did your community motivate you to do better? What do you mean by “do better” (better than what?) and by “make the right choices”? What are the right choices you have made?
I suggest you start over and simply and concretely do what you have been asked to do; i.e. describe your community. Use actual details that tell your reader what it is like: What are the schools like and how many drop out and at what age? What are the streets like? What are living conditions like? How much crime is there? What do you have to put up with? And so on. Then explain why all of that makes you determined to succeed (perhaps supporting that assertion with some details about what you have done or what you are doing, and perhaps explaining what you want to succeed in and why, specifying, in other words, your dreams and aspirations). Then your done.
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