NEW YORK—Advising pundits, reporters, and the general public to rein in their indignation for the time being, Republican nominee Donald Trump admitted Friday that he knew his recently unearthed comments about groping women and attempting to engage them in extramarital affairs were pretty bad, but that everyone “should really save [their] energy” for what he was going to say next.

SEATTLEA study released Thursday by the Pacific Parenting Institute found that owning a seriously cool leather jacket is significantly more fulfilling than raising a child to adulthood.

NEW YORK—Advising pundits, reporters, and the general public to rein in their indignation for the time being, Republican nominee Donald Trump admitted Friday that he knew his recently unearthed comments about groping women and attempting to engage them in extramarital affairs were pretty bad, but that everyone “should really save [their] energy” for what he was going to say next.

ASBURY PARK, NJ—Revealing that a significant portion of the electorate has yet to make up their minds just one month out from Election Day, a Rasmussen Reports poll released Friday showed that 30 percent of Americans are still undecided about whether they will be voting out of fear or spite.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the event had been officially canceled and would not be rescheduled, the Commission on Presidential Debates announced this morning that no candidates had met the threshold to compete in Sunday night’s scheduled town hall forum.

Many voters and journalists have criticized this election season’s debates for their lack of substance and fact-checking. The Onion presents some ways the debates can be improved

NEW YORK—Telling reporters she likes to be kept on her toes, Donald Trump surrogate Kayleigh McEnany said Thursday she has been enjoying the thrill of never knowing what comment or behavior she is going to be defending minute to minute.

FARMVILLE, VA—While explaining the virtues of traditional family values during Tuesday’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Mike Pence reportedly called his wife, Karen, up onstage so that the pair could demonstrate how much physical contact is appropriate before marriage.

FARMVILLE, VA—Halting the candidates’ exchange briefly to remind those in attendance to behave in a respectful and courteous manner, moderator Elaine Quijano reportedly instructed the vice presidential debate audience Tuesday to remain completely silent while exiting early.

FARMVILLE, VA—Admonishing the Virginia senator for repeatedly interrupting his opponent’s responses, CBS News moderator Elaine Quijano sternly issued a final warning to Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine roughly 30 minutes into Tuesday’s debate to stop playing around with his microphone.

FARMVILLE, VA—Taking a deep breath and reminding himself to focus on his visualization exercises, Republican nominee Mike Pence reportedly calmed his nerves during Tuesday night’s vice presidential debate by imagining the entire audience burning in hell.

FARMVILLE, VA—Seeking a brief respite from the unpredictable and unprecedented circumstances of the 2016 presidential election, voters across the country reportedly tuned into the vice presidential debate Tuesday night to find out what the race would have looked like if this were a normal election year.